Crawling out of The Sludge: Overcoming My Mental Struggles

Several times in the last decade of my life I have found myself battling depressive episodes and fatalistic thinking. I am a far cry from being perfectly healed and I’m by no means an expert on the topic, but I do want to share the things that have helped me work through that and I hope that they can help someone else.

Every depressive episode I have been through was deeply tied to a feeling of disconnect. Twice now, I’ve moved away from my family and struggled deeply with the distance in those relationships and the sharp increase in time spent alone. My strongest love language is quality time and I thrive on discussion because I love thinking about interesting things. I  process my thoughts best by talking through them.

The last and worst depressive episode I went through was also during a time when I was not really committed to a church. I was bouncing around visiting a lot of different churches and sometimes not going at all. I was spending a lot of time alone, disconnected from my family and my faith.

I knew that living like that was not what I wanted for my life.

I don’t remember the exact sequence of the events that led to me getting out of that mental space, but I have made several changes in my life that I believe have helped tremendously. I still struggle, and I’m not perfect in any of these areas, but I do have a more robust “tool basket.” As with many things, I have had to learn to approach all of these with a “something is better than nothing” mentality, which has done serious battle with my perfectionism.

I’m Prioritizing Scripture

Scripture reading and study is one of the many things that has often fallen by the wayside due to my chronic dislike for routine. Over the last two years, I have been significantly more consistent in engaging with scripture. I joined Bible in a Year Club  by Phylicia Masonheimer both years. This online program goes through the Bible chronologically and provides a reading plan, study resources, and online discussion format. This year, I also purchased a subscription to the Dwell app, which has several audio bibles and other resources. They partnered with Phylicia to set up audio for each day’s assigned reading. Engaging in the reading club and having the option to easily listen to the audio on busy days has seriously helped with my consistency. Remembering who God is pushes me to a right understanding of myself and the fact that I am never alone.

I’m Prioritizing Relationships

Connection with people is vital to my stability and wellbeing. I have been making a more conscious effort to prioritize time with my family and engage in community with other believers. I went back to attending a small group with my family each week where we eat together, study scripture, and take communion. I also started going to a Jiujitsu class, which added a social engagement into my week, and I made a couple of friends at work (though I can’t really take all the credit for that one).

I’m Prioritizing Sleep

In 2022 I spent several months going to three four-hour night classes a week while still working full time. While doing so was a push my career needed, I also struggled big time through those months because I was chronically sleep-deprived in a way I never had been before. I tell people that the most important thing those classes taught me was the importance of sleep, and I mean that sincerely. I was at the end of my rope by the time I finished that course and I was struggling to sort through all the thoughts in my head.

Since then, I have been very careful to guard my sleep as best as I can. I put my phone on a sleep setting, keep my room dark, and occasionally take an herbal sleep aid if I’m struggling to fall and stay asleep for more than a couple days. Most crucially (for me at least), if I ever do have several days of short sleep, I block out some time in my schedule to rest and recover without a looming commitment. I am also working on getting out of the habit of looking at screens before bed, but that one is admittedly still a bit of a struggle.

I’m Prioritizing Physical Activity

Like I mentioned earlier, I started taking a Jiujitsu class (a serious workout). I also got a gym membership and started weightlifting two to three times a week. I’ve seen a huge impact in leveraging that body-brain connection and the feeling of accomplishment when I see myself getting stronger really helps to combat feelings of worthlessness and futility.

I’m Prioritizing Better Food

Don’t get me wrong, I still eat junk and this is definitely not something I have all figured out. However, I have been working on cooking for myself more and utilizing whole foods. When I first moved out, I really struggled with cooking because I felt like it was a bit pointless if there was no one else to eat what I made. I still miss cooking with and for my family, but I started valuing myself enough to cook for and recognizing the necessity in eating well. I also started intentionally finding joy in the creative aspect of cooking something new. There’s something really satisfying about chopping up veggies, hearing oil sizzling in the pan, and smelling spices.

I’m Prioritizing Learning and Creativity

I love learning new things and I have always been a deeply creative creature. Lately, I’ve been really working to intentionally lean into those things. I started following more people saying interesting things on Instagram so that my time spent scrolling would be a bit more productive (I think the kids are calling that micro-learning these days). Also, I took Facebook and Instagram off my phone so that I would scroll less and I’m working on reading and writing more. I also broke out my paints several times this year and have a few more painting plans in the works.

I’m Prioritizing Intentional Thoughts

Growing up I always took the scriptural command to “take every thought captive” mostly to be about resisting temptation, and I do think this is a correct interpretation, but through these struggles I have come to realize that it is also important when my mind keeps generating thoughts about myself and my situation that have no basis in truth. When I’m achingly tired and my thoughts turn dark, I have to tell myself to shut them down, go to bed, and wait to make any decisions about how I truly feel or what I should do about it until I have rested. I tell myself the truth, which is that I am not capable of thinking rationally under stress and exhaustion.

The Big Picture

Like I said, I’m not an expert, and I know the things that worked for me may not work for someone else. I am well aware that many people have harder struggles. However, I am proud of the progress I’ve made, and I do think that most of these things are pretty foundational. I am building healthier connections with God, my family and community, and my own body and brain. I am not the first person to realize the importance of these things, and I won’t be the last, but maybe if I’m the one you found and you’re in a similar boat, I can be the encouragement that you need. It can get better, and maybe at least some of what I said will resonate with someone. A few words of advice that I would give:

·       Don’t try to do it alone. I had help from friends, family, and wise counselors (both professional and otherwise)

·       Remember that momentum often trumps motivation. Try just starting somewhere, and see where it gets you.

For a while, I let fear keep me in depression. The depression was a manifestation of the fear of being alone, that I wasn’t worth anything, and that I wouldn’t do anything worthwhile with my life. The fear of failure kept me from getting serious about making the necessary changes in my life. I’m not letting that fear claim me anymore and I hope you won’t either.

Stay Undaunted,

Ciara J.