The Man I'm Waiting For

I am very careful and intentional when it comes to dating. Many have suggested that my standards are too high, unreasonable. I do not say any of this to bash the men these people would suggest for me, but the truth remains that they seem to have very little idea of what I’m looking for in a spouse or why.

I am not just looking for a nice Christian young man who attends church (though that is certainly a start), but a man who strives to honor the Lord in everything he does and who can meet me in the intensity of my strengths and convictions.

The person I marry will have the strongest influence on my life of anyone I ever know. He will be closer to me than my friends, siblings, parents, and even our children. He will either be the strongest push towards Christ in my life, or he will be the greatest distraction.

I also recognize that I am not only selecting my husband, but also the father of my potential children. I am well aware that those who grow up with godly fathers are the most likely to hold on to those same beliefs throughout their lives. I cannot make their decision for them, but I set them up for the best chance of knowing the Lord if they are raised by a father who consistently demonstrates the Word in his own life. In this regard, he will have a greater influence on them than I do. I don’t want to be struggling against a husband who does not share my beliefs. If I hope to raise children in a home filled with love and joy, how am I to do so if the man I marry does not know the very source of all that is good?

My conviction has grown out of my understanding of the purpose of marriage. This is something I have been deeply contemplating over the last few years. One of the biggest revelations actually came from studying the nature of the Trinity. A while back I started reading Delighting in the Trinity by Michael Reeves. He said this, “Thus Jesus Christ, God the Son, is the Logic, the blueprint for creation. He is the one eternally loved by the Father; creation is about the extension of that love outward so that it might be enjoyed by others. The fountain of love brimmed over. The Father so delighted in his Son that his love for him overflowed, so that the Son might be the firstborn among many sons.” Michael Reeves argues that it was the desire of the Godhead to share the perfect love within himself.

I have come to see God’s design for sex and marriage as a direct reflection of his own nature. Within it, he has given human beings the ability in unity to bring forth new life as he himself does.

Scripture commands husband and wife to become one:

“[Jesus] said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Matthew 19:5 (ESV)

Spouses are called to be “of one flesh” even though they are still separate persons. I have come to believe we are called to become one, though two, in direct, though imperfect, imitation of the God who is one, yet three.

This shift in my understanding radically altered my view on the sacredness of sex and the marriage covenant. I have always believed that sex is a good gift from God, and that his boundaries are for our welfare. My understanding has long been that he gave us instructions in order that we might get the most benefit from the act he created and avoid the pain and damage of improperly using it.

I still believe all of this, but my understanding has also deepened. Sex is the thing that differentiates a married couple from friends and roommates. It draws two people together physically, mentally, and spiritually in a way nothing else does. Used rightly, this is what draws the couple together as one, in profound reflection of the unified God. The potential for the creation of new life is our greatest reflection of God’s creative nature. It allows the love between a man and his wife to overflow into the creation of new life just as God’s love has already done.

Outside of the marriage covenant, sex is distorted from this glorious purpose into yet another cheap, short-lived, hedonistic pleasure. The pearl is cast before swine, and the golden dish used for rubbish.

I know many people view me as a prude. They see it as a sign of repression when I don’t participate in lewd and vulgar sexual jokes. They don’t understand why I refuse to date a man who wants to (or would even be willing to) sleep or live with me outside of marriage. This is not because I am scared of sex, uncomfortable with it, or think it is dirty. Rather, I see sex as a sacred reflection of the Almighty himself. Accordingly, it pains me to see this sacred act used for cheap jokes and easy pleasure.

Now, I must also add, this is not in any way intended to lessen the grace and forgiveness for those of us who have stumbled and failed in this area. Indeed, every person with a sexual nature has fallen sexually in one way or another. There is no disrespect to this sacred gift that pains me more than that which I too often find in my own heart. No matter how small the infraction may seem, it is still equally damning as any other. But there is joy in knowing that no matter how sordid the past, Christ’s blood is sufficient to wash it clean.

I would also like to add some encouragement to those who, like me, are walking in indefinite seasons of singleness. While there is no denying the beauty and desirability of the human marriage covenant, remember also that we are all participants in the bride of Christ presented before him as holy. Whether or not we are blessed to experience the joy of the marriage covenant here on earth, we have already the joy of the marriage covenant in eternity, and that is a joy we can hold even now. Christ has called all his people alike to unity in divine reflection of himself. His entire church has been called to share in oneness with him, just as he does with his Father.

In the high priestly prayer just before his crucifixion, Jesus said, “The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.”  - John 17:22-23 (ESV)

The Lord of the universe has intentionally chosen to draw all of those who would accept him into the same unity he already shares within himself. He has called us to abide in him that we may have the joy of his oneness. This is true for every believer across earth and time.

Lately, I have been on the journey of finding this joy and leaning into it. For many years, I have held to a conviction that I would rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for a man who is not ardently pursuing the Lord. By leaning into the abiding joy of life with Christ, I have found a strength and peace to hold this line. Sometimes I am still lonely, but I am never alone.

So I am holding the faith and doing my best to run with endurance. I refuse to settle for any less than a man who does the same. I will not permit a fear of singleness to convince me otherwise. This relationship with my savior is too precious for me to allow into my life the distraction of a man who is not wholly devoted to pursuing God’s heart.

It is there that he can also find mine.

Stay undaunted,

Ciara J.